Ready for THE question

by Lolo Sianipar

This is a subject that I’m proudly say quite expert in. C’mon give me a credit here, I mean after dealing with the same question over and over again for years, that also means almost – say – errr… 10…20… Yes! 50 thousands something times questions of “So, when you are going to get married Lo?” I’m in no doubt, had developed a spontaneous accurate counter for the particular question in any occasion. Yes, the occasion can be anywhere, that question is like a sneaky fixation that’ll abruptly emerge when you didn’t expect it and hit you right in the head. So we single, we need to be primed. Wedding party is the main occasion where this question can pop up more than 5 times (my record is 17 questions in one wedding – try to break that!), then family gathering come on second place (the audience similar with Wedding Party minus friends. Relatives, they are more than happy to repetitively asking the same question), office can be another place, but they eventually tired to ask you the same question, oh yeah, don’t forget, HOME, parents, never failed at least once a month or even a week, only God knows how they can put it effortlessly in almost any conversation. Another event is on gathering with friends who already married (plus have some kids), as well as accidentally meet some old friends in the mall, almost guaranteed the question must be come up as their first or second question.

I’m embracing my 30s next year. I’m single, but thank God, I have a steady boyfriend and marriage still in our subject to discuss. I never doubt my boyfriend’s genuine willingness and effort to make me happy, but as much as we need things to be settled between us first, we keep the marriage plan in an open discussion, that’s all. I’m quite satisfied with that for now. BUT, that’s not what people around us think whenever they see me or us together. They just can’t help it to ask about my/our status and when we’re going to hit the aisle. The form of the question can be many but the point is one. I am somehow amazed by their persistence in asking that question repeatedly, ignoring my previous answer. One of my aunts, I’m pretty sure already asked the same question for more than 10 times in the last 3 months, and bet she won’t give up until she see me walking around a party wearing a wedding gown. Another friend of mine already ask that 2 times in the past month, even this week some friends that I just met again after a long time absence, make it their first question. AND please need not to mention my parents. Hence, I’m so feed up yet so prepared.

“So why haven’t you set a date? “ (Silly!),

“What are you guys waiting for?” (Hmph!),

”Hurry up, you are not young anymore, think about how old you’ll be when you have kids later!” (Cliché!) ,

”There won’t be perfect timing, and you’ll never 100% sure, so just do it” (Classic!),

“Your parents are dying to have grand children, you know” (Lame!),

“Don’t be too picky! There’s no perfect guy out there!” (Gimme a break!),

“Women, they have this biological clock ticking, so decide!” (Yeiks!),

“Take us for example, it was hard at first but we’ve made it! You know you can do it too!” (R-rright!),

There are several things I do to responds the question, sometimes with help from my boyfriend. We’re such a good partner in maneuvering out from that subject, but when you’re talking with the elder people, it’s a bit tougher. After all the way you act in response basically related to who asked you the question and how many times they already ask it. Here’s the list on how to deal with it, trust me, these can comes in handy sometimes:

1. Smile of course, that’s first thing to do, sometimes it’s enough, you don’t need to say anything, that’ll add some mysteriousness in it, almost similar with saying “We know, we just want to keep it a secret and surprise you later”.
2. Laugh, if you feel like it, or if the people who ask you the question is “funny” in a way. Laugh is also a good bridging to swing conversation to another topic. Just don’t do it too much, you’ll look silly.
3. “Next year” can sometimes useful and give a sense of gratifying to the person who asking. But it can be back fired if the person pursue with further detail question like “What month next year?” Then I would reply hazily “errr… somewhere at midyear I guess. Do you see my Mom? Ah, I think I spot her!”
4. One of my favorite response is instantly pointing at my boyfriend (if he’s there) and say “O you could ask him!” then laugh, he usually reply by false laugh before give me that look! You know the O-you-so-gonna-get-it looks.
5. If I’m in “full of wisdom” mode, I would reply calmly with an explanation of how difficult to merge two souls with a different character and the long problematical process of taking a sole decision to be united in a holy matrimony. After along wise rationalization, they will forget the first question and nodding prudently to agree with my concerns, and start talking about relationship. This way is nice and shows some maturity in it, but it’s tiring. Gosh, imagine you have to talk a long nonsense in good manners to a person that you would love to say “none of your business”.
6. Or I can be tacky sometimes, I would reply “Yeah, we really want it, so we’re saving some money right now. Things are quite complicated yet expensive nowadays, somebody needs to pay for the venue and food, and you can’t feed your baby water and stone, can you?”
7. I wouldn’t strongly suggest this one, but pretending to faint can help somehow. Yeah, a bit dramatic, but whatever to avoid it.
8. Ask them back why they want to know. This is a bit rough, this can caused the person confuse and lost words, and most probably think that you feel offended, which you ARE, right?

That’s the list! I’m happy with it. I know, I know, some of you must have did it already, and please, feel free to add some more, cause I don’t think I’ll be free from such question from time to time in the future until the D-day. Darn! Hm , but if we really think about all those “social” question, it’ll never end as a matter in fact. People who just got married, other people will then ask them a never ending “When you’re going to have a kid”. Then couple with one kid, will got a never ending question of “When will you have the next kid and how many?”. People with children will get a continuous question about “What are the children’s future plans?”, and so forth and so forth until we die. Yes, we’ll always dealing with these never ending generic questions. Finally, all we can do is to take it as part of living and our social disposition.

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17 thoughts on “Ready for THE question

  1. just remember Lo,

    marriage is not solution

    it’s another level of life

    So… enjoy your life now, God knows the best time for you…

    Cheers,

  2. @ Muara… deeeuuu.. yang Zen Teacher… ga jelas sih loe Bin, Zen Teacher, IT Programmer, Athlete… yang mana?

    @ Didit… DIT! Gosh! apa kabar? My goodness… call ya soon…

    @ Honnie, thanks Hon… memang yang paling berat dari “akan” menikah adalah “tekanan” untuk menikah… 🙂 but I always keep a positive thoughts, people ask because people care… 🙂 thanks for checking my blog…

  3. Mrk (ortu,keluarga,adat istiadat,masyarakat) sllu bilang bhw mrk peduli, aku kira ng jg. Mrk hanya peduli kepentingan mrk. Mrk ng ngerti qt, seperti qt juga ng ngerti mrk.
    Seperti katanya UU-Anti pornography yg katanya melindingi perempuan taunya hanya untuk ambisi golongan mereka saja kq.
    Mrk sulit menerima hal yang ng normal,bukan nga normal sih, tapi ng biasa. Seperti msyrakt melihat kaum homoseksual.
    Sgt sulit ortu,keluarga,adat istiadat,masyarakat (batak) mnmrima ketidakmenikahan. Ketika seorang anak tunggal cow (protestan) memutuskan untuk menjadi biarawan katolik,apa yang terjadi sama ortunya? stroke!!! (apa krn anak tunggalnya mjadi katolik atau anaknya tidak akan menikah n menjadi ng mgkin anaknya menerskan krturunan si ortu? mmmh..)
    Gw prnh berdebat ama bokap, gw pernh nanya, bwt apa sh menikah?, bokap bilng utk mnerskan ketrunan. Trs gw tnya, kalo slh satunya ng ‘mampu’ pny anak? apa doi blng? CERAI!!, What??!!! Aku tanya lagi, klo yang nga ‘mampu’ boru bapak, bs diceraiin? Doi bilang, “DANG POLA BOHA,HU TERIMA!!, Hah??!! Sableng!
    Saya mh maklum ama ortu (bokap), doi dari kampung, cuma tamat Sekolah kejuruan di laguboti…(saya tau kg,sekolah tinggi belum tentu org menjadi “baik”)
    Tapi yg saya pikirin n gw ng maklumi adalah apa sh gunanya Kristen datang ke Batak?? Ortu saya ‘taat’ beragama (baca ber HKBP). CERAI???!! bwt. apa perkawinan diberkati di gereja,atas nama Tuhan lagi..??? Kan di BIBEL ada ditulis NO WAY to DIVORCE pdhl bokap rajin baca th buku.
    Apa perkwinan n punya anak menjadi HARGA MATI?? Apa seorang yng ng bisa punya keturunan udah ng ada “HARGA”nya?
    Bnr2 susah dh klo apapn udah menjdi tujuan, bukan sebagi alat.
    Lolo menikah hany bw mrk bahagia doank, bwt ambisi n obesesi mek trcapai.. (Tripel H: Hamoraon, Hagabeon, Hasangapon)
    Honestly, Gw udh nga percya adat,, gw prcya TUHAN (baca YESUS), but religion?? Patriakhi n Feodal!!!

    Met knl lg dh ma lolo,
    Gw yakin lolo ng ingt gw,tp gw msh ingat lo, plng ng bru ingat lo barusan..hehe
    Gw prnah satu kelas ama lo di SDRK, n ur oldest brother, Odeo, di ST THOMAS, rumah gw (dulu) malah dekat pabrik tekstil (?) keluarga lo di Balige.
    Nice to meet U again, n btw ur articles so FUNTASTIC!

    Menikah deh krn lo pengen, bukan krn lo perlu n harus
    Take Ur Time!!

    salam y ma REA n ODEO
    GBU all

  4. dear someone who know me and Deo and Rhea… siapa sih? Penasaran nih… 🙂

    Well, berhubung kita sama-sama dari keluarga batak, jadi yang kita alami kurang lebih juga sama dong 🙂 Tekanan dari sosial itu pasti besar dengan “cara” tertentu (kayaknya di budaya manapun pasti ada tekanan lebih untuk anggota keluarga yang masih single). Dan dalam sejarah adanya manusia, semua orang tua pasti sok tahu tentang keadaan anaknya… post gwe ini memang untuk membantu kita2 yang merasa ditekan untuk lebih ringan dalam menghadapi hal-hal seperti itu… hahahaha mudah2an…

    Speaking about Batak Culture, I’m proud to be one of it… Kalo aku kawin aku mau diadatin (walo bukan yang besar2 – karena MAHAL dan lebih ribet). Tadinya aku juga penentang Adat, bukan karena Agama, lebih karena waktu itu masih “muda” ga suka yang ribet2, sekarang udah TUA… hahaha… enggak kok, sekarang lebih menyadari indahnya budaya Batak itu, kekeluargaan dan ulos… mungkin di dukung adanya Keluarga Besar yang deket dan bener2 perduli ya… so, doain ya, mudah2an pas aku kawin ada sedikit uang buat adat… kerbau mahal kali lah sekarang ini… hahahaha

    so Friend, menikah memang pastinya karena pengen, dan pastinya karena cinta hihihi… dan aku pengen sekali menikah, ada rasa “lulus” satu tahap lagi. Tapi kalau pun seumur hidup aku tidak akan menikah, aku berdoa sungguh2 semoga aku tetap merasa “penuh” dan “cukup”. Lebih dari itu, aku ingin membesarkan keluarga kecil ku, nambahin satu orang lagi dalam hidup mereka (Dad, mom, Deo n Rhea), dan yang akan mereka cintai seperti anak dan sodara sendiri… ah.. indahnya… makanya mudah2an calon suamiku nanti direstui papa mama. Kalau mereka bahagia, aku juga bahagia… I love my family so much. Tapi bener, bukan itu yang hakiki, yang pasti hati kita tenang.

    Tiap orang menghadapi tantangan yang sama berat dalam hidupnya, walau bentuk dan sumbernya berbeda… semoga elo menemukan apa yang jadi kebahagiaan elo ya…

    Sementara ini… HIDUP SINGLEEEEE!!!! dan mari bersenang-senang selama masih single.. Wohoooo… *menari-nari* 😀

    ps: Siapa siiihhhh…. masa aku ga kenal???

  5. something about marry…
    in my opinion:
    when you have kid(s) ( i have two girls) then you will know what marriage is. It’s not about your parent, family, your partner, even yourself , but them (your kids). You’ll be amazed when your kids wanted to be hug and waiting for you home..see their bright eyes when you are back home.
    WHAT A NICE LIFE.
    The bottom line is: Are you brave enough to love and to be ?

  6. Hmmmm…

    Di, I don’t want to argue you there, because it is True, that kids play an important role in a Marriage life.

    but, I think way over it as well, when kids gone to live their life as one full grown-up individual, what’s left is you and your spouse, and if those bounding love gone cold as well, how you gonna hold up? and how you can bear your old-life? 🙂 just a thought.

    as for me, I’m so much on wanting kids than husband right now… adorable adorable…. 🙂 wish me luck please….

  7. may be, when your kid s ( I hope you have them, one day), you will be ready to welcome your grandkids.
    A woman as smart as you, I don’t think need goodluck, the lucky one will be come closer…

  8. may be, when your kid s ( I hope you have them, one day) are gone, you will be ready to welcome your grandkids.
    A woman as smart as you, I don’t think need goodluck, the lucky one will be come closer…soon.

  9. Yeah Grandkids… hahaha… that’s such a long long way… and as of for Now I’m trying to find the love of my life, who’ll stand by me through thick and thin …. woohoo…..

    And since my flirting style is a bit rusty, I think he won’t come anytime soon… hahaha

  10. yes that flirting style could be a problem, how about just kidnap him and rush to the church, I will kidnap a priest for you………………. ‘:

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