I’ve been aware for some years now that one of my spiritual weaknesses is a strong self-reliant. There were times when I feel that I can do anything by just myself. That anything happened in my life, good or bad it’s all because of me, because my power to overcome or I just made some bad and stupid decisions. There were times when I don’t see God’s enduring vocation in making my life perfect according to His plan and my purpose of life. Sometimes I didn’t realized it, that I’ve put God away, ignoring Him, but must I admit there were also times when I did it deliberately, I denied His love, because I was too embarrass to admit that there’s nothing I can do out of myself.
Again, these past 3 months, where I simply did nothing matter to my life, and let life flow as it is, God works. He gave me a lot of moments to enjoy with my closest friends, He gave me new beautiful inside-out friends, He gave me way to put my mind in proper work, He financially support me through “miracle” projects, He showed me the true quality in people that close to me, including my significant other. And as if it is not enough, He gave me a job, a decent one, a new nice place to stay, and all things that I’ve ever wanted at this point of my life. Of course I couldn’t say that there’s no problems or conflicts along the way, but that’s not equal to all blessings I’ve received. One thing lead to another and it’s all good in the end. He even put me back teaching on Sunday School and restored my relationship. So who I am? Think that I know what’s best for me? Think that I know what is matter in life and what is not, haven’t my mind tricked me so many times already? Telling this is important but as a matter in fact its “happy” effect is so temporary and leaving me devastated in the end? God knows me well, He knows what I should striving for, He have the highest wisdom to guide me on how I should lived my life. He sees the bigger picture, because He’s the one who created it.
I need to say this again: Nothing I did matter, in life, especially in the past 3 months, but He made me matter. He did this because He loves me so much, and nothing in this world equal to what he has done to make me worthy. And I realized, all my life and for the rest of it, I’ll always look up at Him, in a way a little girl looking up to her loving daddy for a hug and protection. I’ve learned that surrender is the best way to lived our best life. Maybe I’ll back to my self-reliant sometimes in the future, but let this note be a reminder, that I’ve ever feel this way and will keep learning to surrender to His perfect plan.
“A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord direct his step” – Proverbs