Broken Heart at 30s

take_my_broken_heart-1I once thought that having a broken heart at any age would be the same. I mean, it’s broken heart, it’s losing the one you once loved, it’s the end of a relationship, it’s single again! So it’s all supposed to be the same. Then I found out, that yes, the elements that play a role to draw out the pain is the same like: good memories that suddenly coming back, pictures that showed up from nowhere, song that play somewhere, the routines that we once did with our ex, yeah, that can be the same, but apparently our anticipation actions toward the pain we feel is far way different when we’re 20s and 30s and – please help me God, I hope I’ll never feel broken heart at my 40s. Everything seems to be less hurt than when we were young.

I had my 1st broken heart at age 22. Not really young since I started dating not too early as well. I’m not that kind of girl who like to thinks a boy in “romance” terms. I had my 1st boyfriend at age 17, last year in high school. I think it was more like high school crush than first love. The separation was easy as well, I didn’t feel sad at all. Graduated from high school we were like realized how young we are and there’s a lot different world out there after high school. My 2nd broken heart is a bit tough but not really hurtful. Maybe because my ex said he still couldn’t get over his ex and then he wanted a break for a moment. I was more like feeling miss taken rather than broken heart, I was a bit angry. But then I sort of paid him back for what he did, cuz several weeks later he asked me back and I played him out (me was young and evilish).

Now, my 3rd broken heart, that’s the worst in my life and I expect it to stay being the worst. He’s my 1st love and I don’t even remember why. Hahaha. I mean, really, I can’t remember anything special about him or us. I couldn’t recall why I chose him out of so many guys that try to get to my attention at that time, maybe because we’re friends, and he seemed to be like the 1st “real” man that say “I love you” to me. Anyway, we’re having a short relationship then broke up. O man, I still remember the pain and the wound he caused, it’s was so immense! I mourned, cried like a baby every days and nights for 5 months or so. I did many shameful things as well, to get his attention. Texting him, sent him love songs and email, and asked him out. It did work cuz we’re quite close for around 1 year after the break up, then I did the silliest thing I’ve ever done, he caught me red handed, and sent me home for good. That’s the most horrible break up I ever had, took me 2 years to get over him.

During that break up, beside those shameful things I did, I also did those breaks up routines. You know, the routines that almost every woman does when they’re going through an emotional challenging moment. Routines like: (a) They cut their hair or change the color, or something to do with the hair, (b) They are desperately wants to try new things, you name it, restaurant, event, clothes, etc , (c) They have day and nights heart to heart talking with their girlfriends discussing their feelings and their ex, (d) They eating a massive amount of chocolate, crazy chocolate monster, (e) they go shopping or at least spend the last pennies for unnecessary things, (f) They go and get drunk and do even more silly things when they’re drunk, and the last thing that I did and I’m not proud of this (g) find another man that have the ex’s image and have them as rebound boyfriend. Yeah, I really did those things, and the funny thing it all couldn’t diminish the only passion I have that time, it was to call him and say how much I miss him. O well, it all end eventually, all the feeling with that guy, it’s gone now, just old memories to laugh at.  🙂

Therefore, my next broke up is with my rebound. He was actually one of the sweetest guy I’ve ever known, but… errr, I think we need to be very careful with feelings that we develop during post-break-up, it might lead us wrong. He seemed to be so hurt when I break him up hence he found a new girlfriend after 2 weeks and proudly introduced her to me. Hahaha, rebound found a rebound… oops, I shouldn’t laugh at it, that’s ironic.

I had another boyfriend then, we had a – I might say –  not really rough broke up, I mean I think we both mature enough to know that we’re not meant for each other and the separation was like something that naturally happened. He was someone that I obviously don’t want to be my partner of life. Still, I did cry little, I wrote something about it, but then I’m moving on.

Lolo CryingVery recently, I just had my heart broken by this guy. Well, this is not our first break up but, we know when final is final. He & I are final. I love him so much, so much that I broke all the rules in relationship just to please him and keep him near. Never in my life was I so convinced that one man can make me happy and content for the rest of my life like he did. I was head over heels, wanted so much to be his everything, but nothing seemed to work well. The pain is the same but I have no heart to do what I did back in my 20s hahaha. My hair is short enough and changing color is not an option. I think getting drunk is one irresponsible act. I’m tired and bore to share my feelings with my friends cuz this is my thousand times break up and I don’t feel like crying. Instead of eating, I lose my appetite and the thought of getting fat really unappealing. I can’t imagine having another boyfriend soon, so having rebound is out of question. Really, I’m confused on how to get rid this pain, no clue. Until I decided to break the break up routines, I go (a) tell my Mom and Sis about how I feel and they really supportive and it did help me (imagine telling your Mom about your feelings when you’re teenager is a big NO-NO), (b) I work a little harder and longer, just to make sure memories won’t emerge unexpectedly, (c) I wrote this note… as simple as that. I’m almost 30 and I have no desire to do “extreme” things to get over my broken heart. I sit and thinking, what else I should do? Why even broken hearted at 20s more fun than at 30s… am I getting too old for broken heart?

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3 thoughts on “Broken Heart at 30s

  1. *sings u a song*

    I wish that life was like it is in the movies
    ‘Cause the hero always gets his way
    No matter how hard it gets on that dark lonely road
    At the end he’s got a smile on his face

    But when they threw me out to the lions
    No one saved me as I fell from your grace
    And no one wrote me new lines for what I said wrong
    What I did wrong I could not erase

    I wish that I could be your white knight in armor
    With an army just to bring you back home
    But I’ll admit I’m scared of dialing your number
    Someone else is gonna answer the phone

    Why can’t it be like it is on TV?
    When the orchestra plays and you come back to me

    This is real life
    This is real love
    This is real pain that much I’m sure of
    These are real tears
    These are real fears inside that I can’t hide

  2. you know what? YOU’RE NOT 30 yet. Good News. Celebrate it. anything could happened in 3 months, a week, 1 day, and every second. It’s God’s way to find the prefect person.
    Cerita ah…
    Gini ada seorang ibu yang sedang menyulam. Anaknya di bawah ngeliat, dan bertanya: Ibu bikin apa sih, kok benangnya awut2an berantakan kusut gak jelas bentuknya. Trus ibunya senyum dan ngangkat anaknya ke atas. Ternyata dari atas (pangkuan ibunya) anak itu melihat rajutan yang indah bergambar bunga.
    Ya gitu deh kalo kita ngeliat dari bawah, kusut. Tapi dari “atas” memiliki rencana yang indah buat kita… 🙂

  3. Thanks for the song Cent, send me the song please? so I can listen to it whilst writing my next post 🙂 But you’re right, I’m usually picture my self like in a movie… and this one is a sad end… still I have the soundtrack for it hahaha

    Erry, thanks ya for the thoughtful story… iya, kadang kalo lagi “ok” bisa liat sih betapa semuanya terjadi karena ada alasannya, tapi pas lagi sendirian…. to be honest it’s hard, but I know I can and please keep encouraging me… 🙂

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