My life is been such a hectic these past month, from personal to work but the most complicated event happen right inside my head. Seemed like lately so many things to consider, to decide or to choose that it feels like there are battles between me, myself & I, all in my mind. Conscious against impulsiveness, logic against feeling, right against wrong, sorrow against joy, facts against dream and sometimes I feel like watching outside the ring. To watch such intense battle you need someone to talk to, someone who understand, someone who’s as confuse as you.. And you find – you! I’m not really sure if this is something proper to say in public (where you all can read this and judge me later :P) but… I do have this perpetual habit of having a conversation with myself out loud in my bedroom, of course when I’m alone. Well, I hope it’s not a symptom of madness, because in the end it does help me release some stumped thoughts. But that’s not what I’m going to discuss about here. I’m going to say how I feel about Election and Easter and my thoughts in between. Last week we had a long weekend because it’s holiday from Thursday for Election Day and Friday for Easter.
Waking up on the Election Day, I was feeling a bit holding back. I know that the right things to do as a good citizen I should go and elect. Whilst I deciding whether to go or not, my mind play tricks on me. Who should you choose Lo? Do you know which one is good enough for your country? How if the person you chose is the one who’s going to be in the court room as suspect of corruption 7 to 10 years from now, billions of Rupiah, your tax money, which you pay millions every month! You don’t know anyone. Okay, to KNOW is one thing, to be INFORMED, is another thing. I have no sufficient information about any of our legislative candidates, their visions especially. And these past months, I’ve been bombardier by so many silly campaigns from many-many silly candidates or parties who wants to get elected so bad that they forget how to do “public communication” properly. From stupid posters and banners, stupid tagline, stupid yell-yell, stupid discussions on TV, where they pointing at each other mistakes and then talked about their political view that is so shallow and selfish, its all make me sick. How I’m so skeptical regarding our government. But I don’t blaming everything to our government, it’s just as much as there is a lot of things can be done, they are only help a little to bring this nation out of its devastation. My friend was attending one of her friend’s courts last week. Her friend sits as a suspect. She told me how one witness, telling 3 different stories in several hearing sessions and no one say anything about it, especially not the judge who by the way we pay his salary with our tax money. That a simple example of how corrupt our law is right now. So, anyway, in the end that morning I think too long, and I hesitate too long too that I didn’t realized; it’s too late to go to the election place. You see, I was having this chronic skepticism to my own country. I hate to feel this way, because I’m such a hopeful person, and to have one subject that feels like hopeless is somewhat inconvenient. Talking to many of my friends about Indonesia, sometimes we’re making a silly promise with each other to not lose hope to our country, to believe that after this painful political maturity process, in the end, we will get out from: the nation who sit in the big 5 as the most corrupted country in this world, the big 5 as the most polluted country in this world, the big 5 as the nation with the fastest rain-forest damaging in the past decade, the big 5 as where the most internet hacker reside, or the nations that have a constant travel warning from many other countries, and many many other “ugly” titles we have. Summary, thinking about election is all about hopelessness.
Waking up on Good Friday, I was in such a good feeling, I woke up early since it will be morning service and I have no other intention that day beside to praise the Lord and celebrating Easter. As I sat here at the Church seat before the Altar, I was reminded of how blissful my life is. That even thou it’s a hectic month, but it could’ve been worse than what I’ve been through. I could’ve been weeping alone in my bed, like I usually do whenever I feel rejected. I could’ve been bitter and angry. But I feel peaceful that day. As the sermons proceed, and I sang my praise and worship to God, I re-think about everything. True that thinking about Easter was totally the opposite of all my thoughts and idea about election. It’s all about hopes. I think it’s like Ramadhan for my Moslem friends or like Kuningan for my Hindu friends. Moments when we’re reminded – again – of how our life has been blessed with abundant love, that we actually NOT deserve it. That there is a greater power, I call it God – but my atheist friend called it Great Things beyond human – that taking care of me day and night. There’s no preach that day, only praise and worship, gospel reading and take communion to remember the sacrifice of Jesus, and it all moved me deep. My mind and souls are at ease. Listen to the gospel about crucifixion make me even wonder and touched by the greatness of God. Yes, I’ve been praying these past months about my feelings and my confusion, but I realized how that prays only brief and on-the-go kind of pray. I remember I wrote a note about self –surrender to God several months back, and I was reminded again to surrender my entire mind to He who love me beyond myself.
As Good Friday pass by then Easter come, I feel more and more excited. Easter sermon lifted my spirit as well. That God always gives His hand to hold me, He is my rock of salvation, but it is ME who need to decide whether I want to walk hand in hand with Him or not. Sometimes I’m too prideful, and then I realized why I keep having this battle inside my head because I always wanted to have an answer for everything, because I don’t feel sufficient. So, right now, sitting on my bed, thinking of the beautiful long weekend I had, and I’m not talking about activities, but about hope about love about bless, and I go back to the Election Issue. How I should’ve felt the same about this nation, there’s no such thing as Hopeless. And there’s nothing I can do for things that I love without start it inside my head with hope. I’m trying to convert some of my Easter spirit to my Election spirit and starting “again” my personal hope for our nation. Well, guess I see you on the presidential Election guys. May you have a great Easter Celebration, and for you who do not celebrate it, may God bless you and you home abundantly.
Lord I’m amazed by You
Lord I’m amazed by You
How You love me…