I’m NOT an expert on Relationship subject matter. I’m not yet married, and I’m single (available and looking). My whole glorious 29 years of living, I’ve been in a –perhaps – 6 of serious relationships, and have a … hm, I lose count already on the “infatuation” I had with what I was so called “close friend”. Being in and out relationship, plus being a woman that – of course – having many female friends that seems like produce a never ending discussion about feelings and relationship, I draw several conclusions on what’s work and what’s not working in a relationship. Easy to say than do for sure, that’s why, as much as there are a lot of self-help book out there to guide you in your relationship, problems seem like never end. I guess it’s maybe because when we’re involve with someone, we’re hardly use our mind and logic and tend to use our emotion and feelings to solve our problem, and in the end create greater miss-communications (not that we don’t try hard enough). And so, I’ve made a list of 7 habits that make a relationship more distressing than it should be. Why only 7? Cuz I like number 7, feel free to add more, O well, at least I really-really know that these things succeed in worsen my all previous relationships hehehe…
1. If you can, so why can’t I?
This is like the lamest, tell you again, the lamest habit of a couple. If you can hang out with your friends ‘til late, so why can’t I? If you can go out with your opposite sex colleague from office, so why can’t I? If you can do this and that, so why can’t I? If you can ask me not to do stuff, so why can’t I? My, the If-you-can-so-can-I is surely get you nowhere in a relationship except your nerves. In the end you’ll just put both of you in Making-Do-&-Don’ts competition. It’s just so childish. I believe if my boyfriend ask me to be at home not really late, that’s for a good reason, and for me that doesn’t mean he have to be at home on time too, he’s a man, he – supposedly –can take care of himself better than us – women – and I like it when he hang out ‘til late with his good friends, they are good men too, and I believe they won’t do something illegal or out of norms. You are the one who know how far you can trust your significant other and his/her friends, but there’s no point of having a relationship if you have “trust issues”.
2. 3 not-so-magical words: Up To You…
O c’mon, you don’t think that’s cute, do you? When one asking, “Where do you want to eat?” The other says “Up to you, Dear”, “Up to you Baby, where do you like?”, and it’s go on “Up to you honey, you can be the one who decide where we want to go for vacation”, “up to you to choose what we want to see tonight” etc etc, NO! That’s totally NOT cute! Instead of showing an initiative to please your partner, it’s showing your lack of effort and laziness to think creatively for your activities. As I observed from my relationship, my friends’ and listen to their stories, the more a couple saying “Up to You” the easier they get bore with each other and the more miss-communication they will have in the end. “Up To You” is NOT helping in a relationship; it’ll be better if you give some choices and discuss it.
3. Let’s Not Talk About Work!
Many couples that I know try to avoid talking about work when they’re dating. When I ask why, they come up with many “sugar coat” reasons: “O, I don’t want to burden her with my problems at work”, “I don’t think he would like to hear such an issues from my office”, “It’s dating, it’s suppose to be fun, and talking about work will ruin it”, and so on, and so on. But in the long run, the more you want to avoid talking about it and its becoming your habit, the more you think that your significant other not “entirely” understand your life struggle. I found it that I feel so honored if my boyfriend wants to share his work problem with me. Then I supposed he think of me as a smart woman, he believes I would understand whatever he said about his job and then I can give him an insightful feedback to his stories.
4. Love is something better prove by action rather than by words!
I don’t say that it’s less important, to show your love in action, but c’mon, how long you can give them regular gifts, take them to dinner, take care of their dogs, take care of them when they sick? In the end the magic words of “I love you” that we re waiting at the end of each of our conversation. I realized after having said that thousand times in years of relationship that 3 words becoming kinda cold and meaningless… so the effort actually in keep saying it eloquently. Hey, you really don’t know when it comes as true words of comforting to your spouse. Imagine when he/she have a bad day, a really bad day, and when you say that wouldn’t it be like a fountain in the middle of the dessert. Hehehe, I had that moment so many times now, and looking forward to hear him say those words over and over again even when we’re in a quarrel.
5. You should love me just the way I am
Errr… well, this is not entirely wrong… but after you done with “this is who I am” speech and quarrel with your spouse, you’ll find nothing else but a confusion on how both of you gonna work things out. Simple, both of you coming from different backgrounds, grew with different frame of references, values, habits, and so many different things, need not to mention gender right? So if both of you want to stay the way you are but trying to live together, how you’re gonna work it out? So, I think important for us to be our real-self, not compromising our core value, but as well realized we need to change something for the people we love. Of course our significant other needs to loves us with our weaknesses but that doesn’t mean we’re never going to change. So if you know you’re going to change anyway, for the better of both of you, what’s the point of saying out loud THIS IS WHO I AM, YOU TAKE IT LIKE IT OR NOT!? Hah, useless.
6. Long conversation on the phone is just as effective as meet face to face.
Trust me, been there, done that. You think your 2 hours phone call trying to solve your relationship problem will work? Tell you what, nope! Let’s keep the phone for short daily information only. If you want to really solve the problem you need to sit together, holding hands and see each other in the eyes. That way you won’t misinterpret.
7. We need heart to heart talk to solve each and every problem we have, if possible right away.
Nope! That doesn’t apply to all the case you have in your relationship. Why? Because both of you are grownups, sometimes it takes time to understand where you’ve missed, where the fight started, why both of you disagree with each other. Sometimes agree to disagree better do in silence. And the thing is, sometimes our partner is too emotional to talk and it’ll lead to a bigger fight because he/she just not ready yet to talk with common sense, and any words come out will just make things worse. So both of you better shut up for a moment, and when you feel like you can take the worst from your spouse, you talk. By then whatever she/he says it’ll just make sense and you won’t make stupid decision based on stupid shallow argument. But the thing is you still need a heart to heart talk with each other.
That’s the seventh of ‘em. I hope it helpful, cuz after I wrote it down, now it all make sense why I’m still single. O soul mate… where are you? Hahaha.