Finance. I want it new shoes, I want it so bad. I want it new clothes, I want it so bad. But, I need to meet all my credit cards expenses; I really need to do that. I have to pay for my Blackberry next month, and it’s a must. I wanna go vacation there will be long weekends, and it required some money too, significant amount. I wish I have more income, but the thought of my income is actually – should be – more than enough for me, strike me in the head. I miss-manage it over and over again. I want to spend more then I need to have more. I’m in serious financial trouble, not because I have less, but because I desire some more things. Don’t ask the importance. I might need a private financial advisor, someone I really trust, but no one wants to deal with finance people, not me too. They’re horrible, they just like your personal trainer, suck the life out of you by telling you that you’re never do good enough. Done that with my sister before (she’s not even a finance people), she’s sick of me, I’m sick of her hahaha… but tell you what, she’s good! And here I am, dreaming of the shoes, clothes, and vacation.
Flirting. Don’t overdo it, just don’t! I really like the way it is now, I really like the way you are now… the way we smile at each other, shy, the way we chat, laughs. The way you’re asking how am I doing today, we’re fine, the pictures you sent me, interesting… the giggle, and the long “hahahahahaha” and “hihihihihihihi” written on my phone screen. Just don’t overdo it… don’t ask me to say things that I don’t want to say, don’t hold my hands when I don’t feel like holding hands. Don’t call me when I’m hang out with my friends. Don’t ask me to go out with you every day or everytime we chat. Don’t make list of movies we want to see together. Don’t jealous. When I say I want me-time, don’t ask if it’s okay for you to come over just to bring me cheese cake. I want to keep that lovely distance, that we don’t own each other, we just have this fling thing, we’re mature and we’re enjoying each other existence. Don’t overdo it!
Romance. How it feels, I wonder, to start all over again in such a short time? To say, I really like you. Have you eaten darling? Take care. Can’t wait to see you tonight. I miss you so much. Goodnight Honey. I love you. You need to quit the bad habit beyb, becuz I really care about you. Meet my family. Hm, How it feel? Taking a toll from one to another person and swing it just like that – in a relationship. No, I’m not jealous at all, cuz I think, a person like that just doesn’t worth it. I just wonder. Love is easy, no? Especially when it stays on your mouth only and you oppress your true feelings, of what you think you want so bad, a companionship to go through the hard time, and a symbolic gesture to say to people that you’re totally alright, that you make a peace of mind. You are so burned and done. Thou sometimes I want to have a heart that enable me to do that, to let me burn, but… naaah, that’s too much for me to handle. I like it simple and pure.
Opportunity. Taking my chances. I wanna go somewhere foreign. I wanna see different place. I wanna to blend in a culture. People say let’s go here, let’s go there, and I’m wondering, should I just go? And now, I wanna go with him, to places I’ve never been to with a stranger, a kind and decent one and enjoy the alien surroundings. He with his world and me with my bounded mind. I dream of the one opportunity, to say yes to the new world. I’m not bored, I just want a new thing, a challenge, a bit of the spot light, a life that is not just schedule and report, another presentation and internet browsing. Chances not come everyday, opportunities pass you by unless you grab it, you can’t do anything to hold it even a little longer. I need to take my chances more eagerly, and living boldly.
Solicitude. Work, my division, my team, on how we will survive the global economic crisis. The global warming too, and the fact that in the past two weeks people still carry around a stereofoam as their food container. Are they ignorant or what? That I haven’t spend enough time to learn what I want to learn. That I will getting fat for the reason I feel happy lately, means better appetite. About a dear young friend that – I’m hoping so much – enjoying her life. I just want her to be happy. About the cleanliness of many objects that I touch in my dailies, I’ve never been too worry about this before, but lately my mind seems like keep repeating the scene of moving bacteria and virus and how they enter my body. Not because of the Swine Flu, only because the thought of it, disgusting me. I feel like closing my mouth in a cab, afraid that the driver might talking in front of the soft blow of the air con and it’ll carry unhygienic organism to my nostril or mouth then enter my respiration. I feel a deep hesitation to touch objects in public place, it’s not hygienic, hesitate to share drinks with friends, or food, or any other tools, feeling like carry wet tissue every where, but I don’t want people to think me as a paranoid. I’m not paranoid, I’m just concern. So worry about my left eyes, it seems like it never stop twitching up until now. I hope it leads nowhere to blindness. They say I need more sleep, a quality sleep. I had my quality sleep – I thought – and it still twitching.
I’m thanking God I’m still alive.