Lately I doubt about almost anything. Well, not the essential of course like God, life, or my family. But I doubt almost anything that I have wanted out of this life. It was sorta annoying and detached my mind from what I’m actually doing at the moment. I wanna be idle until this cloud of doubt go away.
I doubt about my ideal dream job or career and how I want to work my way to earn more money, just to be able to spend more. I don’t want a job, I want THE job. But for how long it’ll take THE job become just a job, knowing that the constrain of my boredom is quite short. So after several interviews this past 2 months, I’m still haven’t found one that “click” to my heart, but then I doubt it, are they really not “click” or it’s just me don’t know what I want to do.
I doubt love, cause I’m on and off with this particular guy who don’t even take me out on a casual date, is this love? I doubt it. Well, it’s not a relationship for sure. If you’re asking why I’m still with him, I don’t know. The best way is to end it of course, but then I doubt it, is it something that I really want to do, or it’s just because of pride, or maybe I have to do it, just because I have to. I want to ask him, am I making him happy? Is he happy with me? So many decent guys out there who’ll treat me right and better, but then who’s the one?
I doubt my own consistency and commitment in doing things that I’m doing. Why I paint so many? Why I keep buying things? Why I need to be in this social community? Why I tweet my thoughts? Who cares but me? Will it make people-that-matter-to-me happy? Am I really contributing to their happiness? Am I essential in their life, or if I’m not there, will they easily replace me with someone else? Time goes by and won’t come back, did I spend it right?
No, this situation is not making me sad or remorse, it’s simply making me confused regarding what I should do next. Like I told you before, if I may, I want to be idle for a moment… just idle.
I stumbled upon this picture below, yesterday. Was it a coincident? Hm, I guess not, and Descartes is right, maybe – still maybe – I need to doubt things first, so I’ll be contemplating over it, then I can choose or decide, then I’m willing to take the consequences, and go on with the next journey of not knowing. Perhaps these doubts that make me keep on not only existing but truly living, let’s hope so.