Seems like it will be a quite Christmas for me this year. I wish I could say that “quite” here implies to a condition of peaceful mind, but who am I kidding here, I felt a bit weary prior to Christmas. So I decided this is a perfect time to lean back and give this life of mine a deep-thought and a little self-conversation. By far, I think I had accomplished all things that were according to my dreams and milestones in life. Well, from career point of view, and along with that, financial. I’m grateful for that, only I never see my career and amount of savings as the things that lead me to an accomplished life.
It’s been a really tough year for me. Well, just like any other year I guess but different challenges, and it was totally different this year. Starting a company is fun but it was turning out to be much harder than I thought it will be. Too much agony that I alone cannot bear. Decision getting harder and harder to make, bigger responsibilities and I feel this great pressure coming down on me. I realize to make one’s dream come true is not as simple as where there is a will, there is a way. I push, pull, fight, down on my knees, and try to survive. Must I say, God has taught me about “surrender“ in a tough way.
And it has certainly not been a good year for a cross-religion relationship for me. Well, not on any year for sure. Hehehe. He was great, really supportive, everything that I’ve wanted in man, but no… after all the things we did together, all he really wanted is for me to convert. Which is funny, I knew his agenda from the beginning. I let him thought that he can get me by cross the stream where it is shallowest, make me falling in love and dependent on him. But faith don’t work that way, faith doesn’t reasoning with conformity of two people, but with God. Yes, my faith has taught me to love unconditionally, forgive quick for nobody’s perfect, and God’s grace is God’s solely prerogative. It fit me so well, as I can see how his religion fit him. Never cross my mind to ask him to convert. I was secretly wishing he wanted to meet me halfway. To believe that God is always with us, that is the most important thing to comprehend in being faithful. I believe God sent him to me, for a reason. and I lost him, for a reason too. Again, God has taught me about “surrender“ in a tough way.
Above those dilemmas, I flashed back and see that I’m one truly blessed little girl, with a lot of love, family, laughs, true friendship, forgiveness, new experiences, new projects, and many miracles day by day. God had leaded me to the right path all through the year of 2011 and before, and everytime I led ashtray, He calling me back home. Never had He let me walk alone, he keep sending me angels. He keep me as close as breath is to life. For things I cannot understand He console me, with a simple answer, whisper softly to my soul: everything has it’s time.
Now, I think I’ll celebrate Christmas with those thoughts. It’s not a celebration of only joy and happiness, but also over come grieves of lost love and troubled water. Christmas is not about making one perfect condition for a celebration of God. Not about laugh nearby a tree, exchanging gifts, a long praying session or a festive dinner. I think there’s a reason why God let us celebrate Christmas near the end of the year, just so I have enough time to look back of how wonderfully balance my life is, God’s artful creation. Then – of course – I can set new dreams 5 days after it, on the new year. The dreams will be based on a faithful heart, through pure prayer. I pray for wisdom more than anything.
I thank you my dear God. May you all – my friends – have a wonderful Christmas celebration and a happy holiday for those whose not celebrating….